My wedding was the first night. I was supposed to be intimate with a man for the first time.
Many photos of dreams and desires were emerging from my conversation with the close friends and many porn videos I had seen.
Tilted my head, for a glass of milk in the hand, I entered the bedroom. So far everything was just as I thought.
But I did not have the impression at all that one of me is going to have a tremendous blow.
The BBC’s exclusive series # HerChoice12 is the real life stories of Indian women. These stories present the ideas of ‘Modern Indian Woman’ and the options available in front of him, his aspirations, his priorities and his desires.
According to the dreams, when I come into the room, my husband embraces me tightly, shower kisses and keeps me loving for the whole night. But in reality, he had already fallen asleep before I entered the room.
Then at the age of 35 I was Virgin. It was very painful for me, it seemed that my whole existence was rejected by my husband.
Not only in the college days, I also witnessed a deep friendship between many boys and girls in the office. He used to keep his head on the shoulders of his partner, holding his hand.
Then I used to think that wish I had anyone else, I should not have desired such a partner in my life?
I had a big family. Four brothers, one sister and old parents. Despite this I always felt lonely.
Even after growing age, I was alone
All my siblings were married and had their own family. Sometimes I think that he also cares about me that my age is growing and I am still alone.
In my heart there were desires of love, but it was surrounded by Tanhahis. Sometimes I think this is just because I’m fat.
Do men dislike obese girls? Is my family unable to find a life partner for me because of my weight? Will I always be alone? These questions always kept wandering in my mind.
My confusion after marriage
After all, when I was 35 years old, some 40-year-old man came out to marry me. During her meeting with her, I told her about my feelings.
But he never paid attention to it and neither did he answer it. She looks a bit upset. He sat quietly looking downwards and kept shaking his head only.
I thought that nowadays men are more shy than women and my husband is not an exception, perhaps because they did not answer. But that night of marriage got me confused. I do not know why he did this.
When I asked him the next morning, he said that he was not right. But nothing further changed. Our second, third, and many nights have passed like this.
My mother-in-law defended my husband
When I told this to my mother-in-law, they also defended my husband. He said, “She is shy, she is hesitant to talk to girls since childhood, she has studied at boys’ school, she has neither a sister nor any female friend.”
Although I got temporary relief from this, but I could not stop thinking about this topic. All my hopes, dreams and desires were breaking day by day.
The only reason for my uneasiness was not sex. They hardly talked to me. I feel like I’m always ignoring me. He ran away from me, touching the touch was far away.
My patience began to break
If a woman cures the clothes she wore, then the man tries to see him doing this. But even if I used to wear my clothes completely at night, even then my husband would remain neutral.
Is my weight the reason for their behavior? Have they married me under any pressure?
I did not know whom to share these things with. I could not talk to my family because everyone thought that I was very happy.
But my patience was breaking the dam. I needed to find a solution.
Usually on holidays, they did not live at home, they would either go to a friend’s house or take their parents away. By chance, he stayed at home that day.
I clung to the room and locked the door from inside. They have jumped as fast as they could from their beds. I went to them and asked in love, “Do not you like me? We have not yet been intimate yet, nor have you ever told me about your feelings, what is your problem then?”
He responded shockingly, “I have no problem.”
When I came to know that …
When he said this, I thought that this is a chance to get closer to him and attract him on his side. I started physical tampering with them.
I thought it would have any effect on them, but they were not affected. There was no sense of excitement in them.
I did not know who to ask about this. But this thing troubled me that men like to assess the beauty of a woman, why can not I assess the physical properties of my husband? If I have some expectations from her then why is it wrong?
I was cheated
Then one day I came to know that he was impotent and the doctor was We had already confirmed it before our marriage. He and his parents knew everything, but I was cheated by keeping me in the dark.
When I came to know of the truth, he felt embarrassed, yet he never accepted his mistake.
Society always presents the smallest mistake of women and is presenting it. But, if any man has a mistake, fingers also rise towards women.
My relative advised me, “Sex is not everything in life, why do not you consider adoption of a child?”
My in-laws pleaded with me, “If people come to know the truth then it will be a matter of great embarrassment for all of us.”
But … the heart broke with the husband’s say
My family said to me, “This is your destiny!” But during this time my husband told me that he got very hurt.
He said, “Do whatever you like, you can sleep with someone else, I will not bother you or tell anyone about it. If you are a child then I am ready to give it your name. I am. ”
No woman should listen to such thoughts of her husband. He was dishonest and he was saying this to protect the honor of himself and his family.
He started crying down on my feet and said, “Please, do not tell it to anyone or divorce me.”
What he suggested he could not even imagine. Now I had only one option, or I should leave it or accept it as my life partner and sacrifice my desires.
In the end, my feelings were won. I left my so-called husband’s house. My parents did not accept me.
With the help of my friends, I went to a Ladies hostel. Soon I got a job Slowly right, my life came on the track and I filed a divorce application in the court.
I’m still virgin
My husband and his family showed shamelessness, they hid the truth, under the guise of breaking the marriage, only after marriage, they blamed themselves for marriage.
I fought and conducted my medical examination. It took three years but finally I got divorced. I felt like I was reborn.
Today I am 40 and now I’m Virgin. Many men have contacted me during this time. They thought that I left my husband because they did not get me satisfaction in sex and they wanted to do all that to me.
It was a bad and nonsense thing about me. I try to stay away from such men. None of these wanted to marry me or to have a dedicated relationship.
After all, women have sensations too
I want to share my desires, dreams and emotions only with those men who love me, care for me, understand my feelings and live with me throughout my life.
I am waiting for that man. By then I am happy to talk to my friends about their sexual life.
And whenever it comes to sex in my mind, the website is my best friend.
There is no shortage of people who think of me. I believe that such people understand that women are lifeless objects, while women have many sensations too!
(This real story of a woman living in South India is based on the conversation with BBC correspondent Aishwarya Ravi Shankar, whose identity has been kept secret on the request of the woman. Producer of this series is Divya Arya